Revamping the ellection battle.
Written by Matt B · first published 07/11/2009
Thinking of the Ellections in Dane Valley (bits of Dane Park and Millmead in old money) it is clear that both the Conservatives and Labour have set themselves up with such epic lack of a snow-balls-chance-in-hell that I figure they might need some help.
What follows is approximately ten thousand times better than anything Labour and Conservative normally spout and a whole lot more logical. Now they have no excuse for making an interesting election with an actual attempt of the impossible (getting anyone to stop laughing long enough to vote).
Dear Voters. Leading Tory councillors have sugar in their coffee, Hitler took sugar, therefore do not vote Tory or it would be like voting for Hitler and we wouldn't want that would we. Love the Labour party (rightful rulers of Millmead).
A message from the conservatives: A Conservative Councillor is better than Nothing. Nothing is better than a perfect councillor. Therefore a Conservative councillor would be better than a perfect councillor. Clearly it is in your interest to vote for us.
Dear Voters, All men are mortal. Cllr Stephen Broadhurst is a (mortal) man and look how that turned out. Mrs Sandra Hart is, however, a woman and therefore a far more suitable replacement. Lots of Love - The Labour Party (at least we're not BNP, Tory or Sandy Ezekiel).
Pay attention both of you who vote. We're in a bit of a bind and require your support. If you don't vote our new paper candidate in then the others over on the estate might ellect a flipping lefty. That is all. Regards - Your all powerful leaders (do not question us)
People of Millmead: We know that you do not vote please continue not to do so that we may reclaim this accidentally lost seat. Thank you. The Conservatives. (Please go back to your meaningless existence).
Dearest Voters, we are sure it was an oversight that you forgot to vote for us last time. However while the (mostly absent) Tory councillor held the seat we have seen a massive credit crunch. Obviously this was caused by Dane Valley having too many Tory councillors. Please vote Labour at the next elections. Lots of love - The Labour Party (better than substance abuse, war or voting Tory).
A message from the conservatives: Having three conservatives representing Dane Valley scares away killer lions. When have you last seen a killer lion in Thanet? For all our sakes vote Conservative.
Dearest Voters, the Tory candidate talks with his mouth. Bin Laden used to do the same thing. Clearly it would be insanity to vote conservative again. For all our children vote Labour. Lots of love - The Labour Party (put us back where we rightfully belong).
A message from the conservatives: What is the primary difference between war and left wing councils. One is an insane time of pointless death, lies and explosions and the other one is war. Vote Conservative because Labour have small willies.
Please feel free to write your own for our sadly un-inventive councillors to (try) to use.
What follows is approximately ten thousand times better than anything Labour and Conservative normally spout and a whole lot more logical. Now they have no excuse for making an interesting election with an actual attempt of the impossible (getting anyone to stop laughing long enough to vote).
Dear Voters. Leading Tory councillors have sugar in their coffee, Hitler took sugar, therefore do not vote Tory or it would be like voting for Hitler and we wouldn't want that would we. Love the Labour party (rightful rulers of Millmead).
A message from the conservatives: A Conservative Councillor is better than Nothing. Nothing is better than a perfect councillor. Therefore a Conservative councillor would be better than a perfect councillor. Clearly it is in your interest to vote for us.
Dear Voters, All men are mortal. Cllr Stephen Broadhurst is a (mortal) man and look how that turned out. Mrs Sandra Hart is, however, a woman and therefore a far more suitable replacement. Lots of Love - The Labour Party (at least we're not BNP, Tory or Sandy Ezekiel).
Pay attention both of you who vote. We're in a bit of a bind and require your support. If you don't vote our new paper candidate in then the others over on the estate might ellect a flipping lefty. That is all. Regards - Your all powerful leaders (do not question us)
People of Millmead: We know that you do not vote please continue not to do so that we may reclaim this accidentally lost seat. Thank you. The Conservatives. (Please go back to your meaningless existence).
Dearest Voters, we are sure it was an oversight that you forgot to vote for us last time. However while the (mostly absent) Tory councillor held the seat we have seen a massive credit crunch. Obviously this was caused by Dane Valley having too many Tory councillors. Please vote Labour at the next elections. Lots of love - The Labour Party (better than substance abuse, war or voting Tory).
A message from the conservatives: Having three conservatives representing Dane Valley scares away killer lions. When have you last seen a killer lion in Thanet? For all our sakes vote Conservative.
Dearest Voters, the Tory candidate talks with his mouth. Bin Laden used to do the same thing. Clearly it would be insanity to vote conservative again. For all our children vote Labour. Lots of love - The Labour Party (put us back where we rightfully belong).
A message from the conservatives: What is the primary difference between war and left wing councils. One is an insane time of pointless death, lies and explosions and the other one is war. Vote Conservative because Labour have small willies.
Please feel free to write your own for our sadly un-inventive councillors to (try) to use.
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